If you are like most serious genealogists, you've likely had a DNA test done. I have, and I've tested both of my parents and both of my Grandmothers. I have also tested my sister, my husband and my In-Laws. Why so many? I'm a bit obsessed with proving my research with genetic links to see if the paper trail I've been following (for years!) is the correct fork in the road. I also use those tests to connect with cousins because they almost always know something about the family that I don't. It has been a HUGE help with my research, but it has also brought up some ethical issues.
The biggest issue has been possible non-paternity events. EVERY family tree will likely have a few, but when it's within the last few generations it can cause a lot of stir. I have discovered a couple already, and even though I want to tell the match something isn't adding up I have to bite my tongue. Take for example my Grandmother, she seems to have a few mystery cousins lately. All her family is back in Holland aside from her descendants here in Canada. Some of her DNA matches (1-3rd cousins) don't share any of the same surnames in her pedigree but show they also match cousins with confirmed links. My Grandmother is 93, she lived through WWII in the Netherlands and her parents lived through WWI. There could be lots of possible scenarios as to why these matches don't share any surnames. Were they the product of wartime romances? Is their research wrong? Is my research
wrong? Did they take the name of a step-father? Was there an adoption after the death of parents? So many possible reasons.
So, what do you do to cause the least amount of drama after finding a DNA surprise? I tend to contact the match, share my family surnames and ask if they have any of these names in their family tree. If they don't reply to me, I leave it (even though I want to ask more and more questions). If they do reply, I don't even bring up the possibility of an adopted ancestor or non-paternity event. I let them do their own research and come to their own conclusions and I wait until they are ready to share a possible family secret.
I try to think about all the feelings these surprise matches might bring up. Do I tell my Grandmother she could possibly have half-cousins or a half-aunt she didn't know about? Do I want to change the level of respect she has for her beloved Grandparents or Aunts and Uncles? No, I don't want to upset her. So I'm going to make note of it in my family file, keep the information to myself and if she asks me if I've found some unknown relatives I'll tell her the truth. Until then, I think I'll just let her go on thinking the same about the family she has loved so very much for the past 93 years. If the new genetic cousins start asking me questions about the shared match I will share all that I can to help answer their questions.
It really is something you need to consider on a case by case scenario. You need to be prepared because there is a good chance you are going to find a secret you weren't expecting. It took 5 years for one to show up and 7 years for the other. One morning you might wake up to an email about a new match that will change everything. Then you have to decide how you are going to deal with it - just make sure you are sensitive towards all feelings.
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